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Lucky Charms Found Not Magically Delicious!
-- CEREAL HUMOR BY "HENRY" --




Lucky Charms Found Not Magically Delicious!


An independant study completed at the University of Vermont shows that Lucky Charms, the popular breakfast cereal produced by consumer foods company General Mills, may not in fact be "magically delicious". Instead, the study contends that the reason the cereal is delicious is the combination of complex sugars and additives.

The breakfast cereal, which contains several tasty marshmallows, is one of the most popular breakfast foods in the country. Television advertisements for the product feature a lovable Leprechaun named "Lucky" who sings: "Frosted Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious." It is thought that General Mills' choice of the mythical and magical creature from Irish folklore is key to the widespread belief in the statement. Most viewers reasonably assume that a leprechaun knows what is magical and what is not.

As the news reverberated through the cereal world, charges of false advertising and misconduct were levelled at General Mills. Kellogg spokesperson Daniele Behr stated that "[misconduct] such as this cannot go unpunished. By claiming that Lucky Charms is magically delicious, the cereal has garnered a large share of the market." More significantly, the industry has expressed an almost uniform disgust with the Minneapolis, MN, company's advertising policy, citing the Kellogg Company's more truthful approach as an example for all advertisers. "Take Frosted Flakes," Behr said, "they really are 'Grrreat.'"

Customers of the cereal are divided. Said New York, NY, resident Alex Ferguson, "This news is devastating. I've spent the last five years of my life eating Lucky Charms because I hoped that some of the magic would rub off on me. Now that I know there is no magic, I don't think I'm going to continue to eat the cereal."

Minneapolis, MN, resident Bryanne Kidd is unaffected by the news, stating "How can anyone measure magic powers, or even the presence of magic in a cereal? I just don't buy this study." When asked if she would always remain faithful to this study, Parker added, "I think so. Definitely."

Despite the pledge of many of the cereal's fans to remain faithful, several stores around the country have pulled the cereal from their shelves. Sales, which have dropped recently due to the company's vastly unpopular decision to phase out the 'Yellow Moons' marshmallows, are expected to fall even more. When asked if the company would bring back the "Yellow Moons" to restore some of the cereal's appeal, Media Relations Director David Beckham answered. "General Mills has no plans at this time to reintroduce the Yellow Moons. We still have Pink Hearts, Orange Stars, Green Clovers, Blue Diamonds, Purple Horseshoes, Red Balloons, and Pots of Gold. Besides, we maintain that the cereal is magically delicious."

Despite Beckham's confident statement company insiders indicate that General Mills is going to remove all claims of magic from its cereal boxes for fear of false advertising lawsuits. As well, several television networks have already confirmed that the company has cancelled all commercials it had planned for the cereal.

When asked about this Beckham explained, "General Mills does not want to deceive the public. Though we contend that that Lucky Charms is indeed magically delicious, we will not make any such claims in our advertisements until we have proved so ourselves." Beckham continued, explaining that the company had already set up a special task force to prove the Leprechaun's claims. The task force, assembled at no small cost, includes world-reknown magician David Copperfield and Merlin, the long-dead wizard/magician of the Middle Ages who now communicates through medium Bryan Riggs. The company has chosen John Ritter, the goofy actor from Three's Company, to be its spokesperson.

Said Ritter last night: "Merlin and David [Copperfield] have already felt a strong magical presence surrounding Lucky Charms. Now we just need to prove that it is the cereal's deliciousness which is magical. I expect this will take several weeks."

-H

Henry's email address is:
© hff135@cs.usask.ca

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